the mornings are the worst
i usually wake at first light and as soon as my mind kicks in to gear it is filled with all the horrible things that have happened, all the animals i can no longer spend time with, and the over riding thought of how my life is totally and utterly stuck
i am filled with guilt that my dogs and cats are stuck in one room
they have no life, just day after day of these four walls where they get to watch me slowly going mad...
each day i think that i should find them better homes, that they deserve so so much more than this but i know if i lost them too i would really have nothing left to get up for each day
its hard enough as it is
as my day progresses it gets easier, being with my family takes my mind off of things, i carry out mundane chores, and for a glorious part of the day i absorb myself in my makes
sitting at the work table and switching off
and then all too soon it is night time which oddly i find easier than the mornings
i guess it is because i have spent the last few years being on my own in the evenings so my head and heart tell me its completely normal
long, long days filled with not very much apart from this aching feeling for a more settled existence
i long for a life where i am not constantly trying to stop myself from crying, from falling apart
i have no idea how to make that happen
I'm praying for you Tracy. Your animals would NOT be better off with someone else - banish that thought from your mind. Might you try a part-time job at a vet's office? I know you did that work long ago, I think that's where you got Twigs Pigs. You would certainly be qualified, it would give you something new to focus on, and you could possibly take a whippet to work occasionally :) I, also, have the tendency to hibernate, but I know I actually feel better when I make myself get out and about. Just a suggestion, not meant to add any extra pressure - sending hugs your way :)
ReplyDeletei would love a part time job but the dogs are proving to be very tricky - they bark if i am away for more than 10 minutes - poor old talulla is the worst - i guess she has had me by her side for over 10 years and is not about to accept that that has to change now!
Deletewe have had letters from one neighbour about the barking so workwise at the moment i will continue with my art work and hope that starts selling
thank you for your kind words and yes that is where twigs pigs came from - you have a great memory :) xx