i have not been by here for a long time and in that time i have gone through so many emotions

the lowest low as of yet but also the start of the feeling that i am slowly climbing out of this dark pit..

its an odd feeling as i have had a good few days where i have felt happy.

no crying. not even first thing in the morning.

its a good sign but i am still so fearful of a slip back.

i know the signs now, i can feel the blackness creeping up behind me and no matter how much i push forward it just keeps catching up with me and engulfs me in one huge bleak moment..

i feel myself retreating back in to myself, pushing people away, hopeless despair and the total panic of having no clue what to do next.

its like drowning without the armbands you have come to rely on.

but forward i go

still with no clue what to do but each day i feel a teeny bit calmer about that

i have to accept that i need the help and support of my parents even though i have spent my entire adult life fiercely independent and refusing to ask for anything

i have to accept that i am 42 and living at home

i have to accept that i may never fall in love again

i have to accept that only i can make changes in my future

if i sit back in the darkness i will never ever escape it

 

a delicate balance...

i think i feel better

as if i am balancing on the edge of deep darkness but not falling in and hanging by my fingertips as i was before...

my mind is definitely less broken as i have started to absorb and accept the failure of my 23 year relationship.

 however the dull, constant ache of missing my animals will not fade. i know it never will.

but i feel better. a little.

i am relying on my family a huge amount, i guess in a way i am feeding off of their love and support, trying to use any positives as a way to move on, to plan my days...

inactivity is slowly driving me loopy though. i have gone from a daily list of way too many things to a list now that consists of very little.

i am going to follow the lead of a beautiful friend and start running.

i can see me running my pain and grief away - i have no idea if that can actually work?

stillness

this week so far i seem to be in a pocket of stillness..

there is definitely less crying, less moments of feeling utter devastation...

i am taking this as a positive, as a tiny step forward in to my as yet unknown future...

i have no idea if this change is because of time passing, the arrival of Autumn {yay} or that i am just more settled?

what ever it is i am soaking up the calmness just in case the storm returns and i am thrown overboard again...

i am certainly making more, enjoying my long spells at my tiny work table immensely and i am looking forward to getting out more with the dogs just as soon as my car returns from the garage

i need lots of walks in the forest to soak up the last of the light before hunkering down for winter

i need to collect acorns, twigs and leaves - surround myself with the familiar....

next week the plan is to choose fabric, patterns and notions ready for a spell of dress making

to find a supply of affordable wool and line up a few patterns to see me through winter

i feel i will need lots and lots of distractions as i know i will be sitting here worrying every single long winter day about all my far away animals and how they are coping ...

i do not like being away from them. not one bit.

lost identity

who am i now?

i used to be a partner, a best friend..

my eyes would open each day and a long, long list of tasks that had to be carried out at our animal rescue would immediately flash before my eyes

most days it felt overwhelming and exhausting even before i had picked up the firs broom but at least i was useful, i was doing something more than worthwhile

now?

not so much...

i really do nothing

i have no purpose to my days, no rush to complete anything, no aim, nothing to look forward to

my mind is sluggish, i have gained weight and i feel constantly weary

i guess it is misery and lack of motivation.

i know i have to sort myself out before i lose who i am completely

it is a daily struggle to not give in to the overwhelming need to just sob and sob even though i know so many others are fighting a far worse battle than i

i look to the long winter ahead and wonder just how to get through it, dark days are the worst, i can already feel the room i am in becoming smaller and smaller as the light becomes less

the chances to get out and experience other things is already impossible, a trip to the very local library where i actually get to talk to another human outside of my family is truly the highlight of my week and even then i am constantly rushing as i know the dogs will be barking ...

i guess it is what it is and i know only i can make changes but i have no idea how to even make the first step - it seems i am clean out of options

 

each day

the mornings are the worst

i usually wake at first light and as soon as my mind kicks in to gear it is filled with all the horrible things that have happened, all the animals i can no longer spend time with, and the over riding thought of how my life is totally and utterly stuck

i am filled with guilt that my dogs and cats are stuck in one room

they have no life, just day after day of these four walls where they get to watch me slowly going mad...

each day i think that i should find them better homes, that they deserve so so much more than this but i know if i lost them too i would really have nothing left to get up for each day

its hard enough as it is

as my day progresses it gets easier, being with my family takes my mind off of things, i carry out mundane chores, and for a glorious part of the day i absorb myself in my makes

sitting at the work table and switching off

and then all too soon it is night time which oddly i find easier than the mornings

i guess it is because i have spent the last few years being on my own in the evenings so my head and heart tell me its completely normal

long, long days filled with not very much apart from this aching feeling for a more settled existence

i long for a life where i am not constantly trying to stop myself from crying, from falling apart

i have no idea how to make that happen

its not going quite the way i thought it would....

its a funny old thing life

i would never have believed that i would use a blog to write down all the personal misery that fills my head but i guess it has to come out somewhere

i believe if you keep bad things inside they fester 

nobody likes festering things...

.i guess once this horrid part of my life is over i can just press delete and it will all disappear in a puff of smoke

i am 42 and have spent more than half of that with the same chap

twenty three years of the usual highs and lows that a relationship goes through

we weathered many a storm together and i honestly, hand on heart thought it would be forever and ever

that we would grow old together

and then one day he said it was over, that he could not do this -  us - any more

just like that

and so here i am

a little lost

a little unsure of what to do next and what to think

and a lot heartbroken

i spend a great deal of time thinking what was the final straw, no doubt there were many

what made this storm more turbulent and impossible than others?

did he just run out of love for me?

whatever it was/is i am finding it really really hard

hand on heart the constant thinking about it all is just exhausting

i need to let go but have absolutely no idea how and even if i can 

twenty three years being in love with your very best friend is a long long time

twenty three years and only a few odd days here and there apart

each and every day the passing of time, experiences and general chit chat and laughter

i have gone from that to total silence... 

i think this is what is the hardest thing of all, the silence i mean, the knowing that he just does not need to know how we all are each day, that we mean so little to him now

i keep trying to force my mind and heart to accept that this is my path, this is supposed to have happened now for a reason that i am currently unaware of, but by golly it is a tough thing to accept

rejection is a bitch

small

my life has become very small

one room. me. seven animals

i try to get out as much as i can but often my anxiety and general lack of enthusiasm keeps me indoors

i am concerned i will become even more of a hermit than i was before

i have strong hermit tendencies you see.....

the need to tuck my broken self away has always been there, i am not one to seek out companionship or kindly advice.

deep down i know this is probably a bad trait to have but at the grand age of forty two i guess i am not going to change so right now i am just going with the flow.

counting my blessings

and waiting for something, anything to happen....

it will

i am sending hopes up and and out there on the fading summer breezes whilst trying desperately to keep the mad screaming lady that sits inside of my heart quiet

she is there

 i know it. she knows it. 

making continues with still no place for it to go

i was chatting to my mama the other day trying to warn her that if i find no suitable outlet that within a year i will be imprisoned in a room stuffed full of paper people and strange paper animals

they will open the door to my room one day and it will all just spill out in one papery river of creativity

inside i will be sat with crazed hair and glue stuck to the side of my face..