its not going quite the way i thought it would....

its a funny old thing life

i would never have believed that i would use a blog to write down all the personal misery that fills my head but i guess it has to come out somewhere

i believe if you keep bad things inside they fester 

nobody likes festering things...

.i guess once this horrid part of my life is over i can just press delete and it will all disappear in a puff of smoke

i am 42 and have spent more than half of that with the same chap

twenty three years of the usual highs and lows that a relationship goes through

we weathered many a storm together and i honestly, hand on heart thought it would be forever and ever

that we would grow old together

and then one day he said it was over, that he could not do this -  us - any more

just like that

and so here i am

a little lost

a little unsure of what to do next and what to think

and a lot heartbroken

i spend a great deal of time thinking what was the final straw, no doubt there were many

what made this storm more turbulent and impossible than others?

did he just run out of love for me?

whatever it was/is i am finding it really really hard

hand on heart the constant thinking about it all is just exhausting

i need to let go but have absolutely no idea how and even if i can 

twenty three years being in love with your very best friend is a long long time

twenty three years and only a few odd days here and there apart

each and every day the passing of time, experiences and general chit chat and laughter

i have gone from that to total silence... 

i think this is what is the hardest thing of all, the silence i mean, the knowing that he just does not need to know how we all are each day, that we mean so little to him now

i keep trying to force my mind and heart to accept that this is my path, this is supposed to have happened now for a reason that i am currently unaware of, but by golly it is a tough thing to accept

rejection is a bitch