i have not been by here for a long time and in that time i have gone through so many emotions
the lowest low as of yet but also the start of the feeling that i am slowly climbing out of this dark pit..
its an odd feeling as i have had a good few days where i have felt happy.
no crying. not even first thing in the morning.
its a good sign but i am still so fearful of a slip back.
i know the signs now, i can feel the blackness creeping up behind me and no matter how much i push forward it just keeps catching up with me and engulfs me in one huge bleak moment..
i feel myself retreating back in to myself, pushing people away, hopeless despair and the total panic of having no clue what to do next.
its like drowning without the armbands you have come to rely on.
but forward i go
still with no clue what to do but each day i feel a teeny bit calmer about that
i have to accept that i need the help and support of my parents even though i have spent my entire adult life fiercely independent and refusing to ask for anything
i have to accept that i am 42 and living at home
i have to accept that i may never fall in love again
i have to accept that only i can make changes in my future
if i sit back in the darkness i will never ever escape it