Saturday 13 September 2014

lost identity

who am i now?

i used to be a partner, a best friend..

my eyes would open each day and a long, long list of tasks that had to be carried out at our animal rescue would immediately flash before my eyes

most days it felt overwhelming and exhausting even before i had picked up the firs broom but at least i was useful, i was doing something more than worthwhile
now?
not so much...

i really do nothing

i have no purpose to my days, no rush to complete anything, no aim, nothing to look forward to

my mind is sluggish, i have gained weight and i feel constantly weary

i guess it is misery and lack of motivation.
i know i have to sort myself out before i lose who i am completely

it is a daily struggle to not give in to the overwhelming need to just sob and sob even though i know so many others are fighting a far worse battle than i

i look to the long winter ahead and wonder just how to get through it, dark days are the worst, i can already feel the room i am in becoming smaller and smaller as the light becomes less
the chances to get out and experience other things is already impossible, a trip to the very local library where i actually get to talk to another human outside of my family is truly the highlight of my week and even then i am constantly rushing as i know the dogs will be barking ...

i guess it is what it is and i know only i can make changes but i have no idea how to even make the first step - it seems i am clean out of options

 

2 comments:

  1. Stumbled across you at Hettie's blog and just read back through your posts to understand the cause, it's the kind of existence a lot of people could experience if the same thing happened to us, it's like a look into a parallel life. Do you know, I think writing this blog is the very best thing you could do to start helping yourself go forward. It doesn't matter if people don't comment, do it for yourself, write down everything you would tell a councillor if you were seeing one but try to keep out any details that might be too personal. Problems need to be approached a step at a time - such as your dogs barking, use the internet and search for answers to the cause.
    Not sure where you live, or if your'e even in the UK, but if you are, I can highly recommend you search for a 'relate' councillor near you, it might be one of the best things you ever do. Take care. xxx

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  2. I just want you to know you are not alone.

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